6 Things You Shouldn’t Say to Someone Who’s Had a Miscarriage

Being there for a friend who has gone through a miscarriage is difficult. If you have never experienced the loss, or have encountered this situation before, sometimes engaging can feel intimidating or even scary.

However, do not simply avoid your friend or bringing up the topic at all. Sometimes, there are things people say to a family who has gone through a miscarriage that they think might be helpful, but can often make the pain feel even worse.

What Not to Say

Here are a few things you should avoid saying to someone who has recently gone through a miscarriage:

1. You’re still young, you have plenty of time!

Age has literally nothing to do with this. Whether your friend was 16 or 60, and regardless of whether the pregnancy was planned or unplanned, this statement glazes over the loss they are going through right now. Instead, don’t focus on the person, or their age, their financial situation, their stage of life—just look at what they have gone through and be there as a shoulder to cry on.

2. Having a miscarriage is really common

While this is indeed a true statement, a miscarriage is a personal loss. Consider if this person lost their mother, father, or other relative. You would likely not say “People die every day, this was inevitable,” because that is insensitive.

Blanket statements like this take away the personal sense of loss and pain. While this may be comforting to some, knowing that they are not the only ones going through a miscarriage, it is best to simply listen to what your friend is going through right now.

3. I know of several women who have gone through a miscarriage     

Again, this is giving off the same message that their loss is not important, or a unique situation to them. It doesn’t matter how many people you know who have gone through this—be there specifically for that person who is going through the loss right now.

4. Just start trying as soon as you can

By encouraging someone to get pregnant right away after a miscarriage, you are essentially glossing over the fact that they just loss a little one. It doesn’t matter if you have statistical, or scientific evidence to prove your point–that does not help a person who is in the stages of grief.

If your friend is asking you for advice in how to get pregnant again, then (and only then) would it be an appropriate time to discuss this. However, if your advice is unsolicited—there is no need to say anything at all. Just be there, listen, and love.

5. Just be thankful you don’t have to deal with having kids yet!

Whether the pregnancy was planned, or an unplanned blessing, your friend most likely had enough time to get used to the idea of becoming a mother (or father), and were likely preparing for the wonderful change that would soon enter their lives.

Instead, just listen and let them talk out their feelings, both the good and the bad, about how they intended to embrace their new journey to parenthood.

6. At least…

If these words are coming out of your mouth, just stop right there. If you are starting your sentence with “At least…” just understand that there is nothing that can come after these two words that will make the situation better.

By saying comments like “At least you still have your husband and/or other children” or “At least now you don’t have to worry about being pregnant right now,” what you are really doing is being sympathetic (read: pitying) your friend, instead of being there to grieve with them.

Final Thoughts

As human beings, we need communication and conversation to allow us to discuss our thoughts and feelings. We use language and conversation to formulate our thoughts, to sort through what we are thinking, and to ultimately hear ourselves in the process of grief.

The best thing you can do is acknowledge the loss, and simply be there to listen, to laugh with, to cry with, and just be present.