I am convinced that a couple is not really married unless they have had a fight.  

When I say fight, I am not talking about a gentle quarrel that newlyweds consider to be a “fight” where one person may softly disagree, they say they love each other, they kiss and make up, and all is well with the world again. 

No, I am talking about the earth-shattering, life-changing, relationship-testing fight that every couple working through the growing pains of moving in together and living together must have… 

A fight about the dishes.  

Or maybe for you it was over the laundry, or picking up dirty socks off of the floor, or hanging up their towel, or putting something in its proper place.  

The Fight 

If you have had this kind of fight, you know what I am talking about. It’s the kind of thing that doesn’t seem so bothersome when you first are married and move in together, and you suddenly learn just how differently you both were raised. 

Everyone has their own standards of clean, and they are not equal. God’s great sense of humor is the fact that He nearly always pairs together a neat-freak with a mess-shuffler, and an early bird with a night owl. This is just how it is.  

But something happens over time. The person who is bothered by a certain behavior will see something that bothers them, but may initially feel the need to just let it go.

Letting it go…  

“It’s not that big of a deal,” we think to ourselves. “I can live with dirty dishes in the sink.” But who are we kidding–this person who is saying this cannot live with dirty dishes in the sink. Those dishes need to get done.  

“I already did the dishes three times this week, but I can do them again because I love my spouse and I don’t want to burden them with more work.”  

So they do the dishes. And then they do them again. And again. And again…with nothing but a built-up disdain in their hearts against their partner for not only not doing the dishes, but not even caring about the fact that they are doing all the housework ~themselves~ 

“Oh wow, the dishes are done!” The non-dishwashing partner thinks to themself. And carries on about their life, so innocently unaware of the built-up frustration their partner has against them.  

The Question 

Here is where it gets tricky. The moment comes…the dish-washing partner (or perhaps for you it was the laundry-folding or diaper-changing or towel-hanging), simply cannot take it anymore, and explodes.  

Explodes all over their poor, blissfully unaware spouse who had no idea what was coming. 

“Why haven’t you been doing the dishes!?” the grieved partner asks. “Don’t you see that I have been working so hard at my (job, watching the children, going to school, etc) and you have completely ignored your responsibilities of taking care of the house!”  

The poor dish-neglecting spouse has no idea why this is such a big issue. Their partner never asked them to do the dishes, they just always saw that they were done. They hadn’t noticed that the work needed to get done because the dishes never piled up in the sink either. 

But what is even more perplexing to this spouse is the fact that their partner is so angry…over dishes! 

As time goes on, this may improve and the spouse suddenly sees the error of their ways in this explosion and washes every single dish that passes through the kitchen for the next 50 years… 

This is very unlikely.  

Instead, the person who already did not notice this as a problem may not see the gravity of the situation, because all they can really see is just how much their partner overreacted to some dishes.  

The Real Question 

How many times has our spouse asked us a question, that we just answer at face value, without even considering that there may be a deeper meaning to what they are asking?  

Consider if you have ever heard your spouse say questions, or statements like this:  

Why don’t you ever do the dishes?  
Don’t you see I work really hard? 
You never  help me put the children to bed.  
Why don’t you help me more around the house? 
You are always in your office working.  
You are never home.  
You are always out and leave me alone with the kids.  

When we hear these questions, it is easy to get defensive because we focus on specific aspects of the question or statement that make it false, and therefore, we immediately disregard what our spouse is saying.  

Let’s look at an example:  

Why don’t you ever do the dishes?  
Response: Sure I do, I just washed them Tuesday  

You never help me put the children to bed.  
Response: Yes I do, I put them to bed last Friday 

You are always in your office working/You are always out and leave me alone with the kids  
Response: I’m here, aren’t I! 

When we hear words like “never” or “always” we figure our spouse is using a blanket statement to try to make us look like the bad guy. So we fight the statement, and therefore, fight our spouse, but what if our significant other is asking a different question that we are missing entirely?  

Translation:  

When you hear these questions, stop for a minute before trying to defend yourself, and just listen to your spouse. Ask yourself:  

What is my spouse really asking me? 

If you find yourself in moments like these, I guarantee your spouse is not asking why you aren’t doing the dishes–the problem likely runs much deeper than that. Your spouse may actually be asking something much deeper, like:  

Will you take the time to help me? Not begrudgingly, but out of love 
Are you willing to sacrifice some of your time for us?  
Am I a priority in your life? 
Do you love me? 

While this may seem like a giant leap to go from asking “Did you do the dishes” to “Do you love me,” this may not be as far-reaching as you may think. 

People do not know how much you care,
until you show how much you care 

The care and love you have for your spouse is no different. Sometimes all it takes is a few extra minutes out of our day, not to simply say the words “I love you” to our spouse, but instead, show the action of love–which sometimes requires sacrifice on our parts, to demonstrate that they are a priority, that we do love them, and that we do care.