One of the leading causes of divorce in North America is due to money fights and money problems. For Gen X’ers and Millenials, almost half of marriages that end in divorce are due to money stress and fights about spending.

So if we know how important money is in a marriage, why don’t we do more before we get married to address this?

What can we do to prevent these fights in our own marriage?

If you are in a serious relationship, already engaged, or even if you are married and haven’t yet taken the time to talk with your spouse about money, here are six questions you can ask one another to get a better understanding of how you each view money, and how it ultimately influences the way you handle money both individually and as a couple in your marriage.

6 Questions to Discuss with Your Partner about Money

1. How was money handled in your household growing up?

Ok, I get it, starting with the “deep stuff” going all the way back to childhood can be a little daunting, but trust me, it influences your money decisions more than you might think.

As children, we understand the concept of money by the age of 3, and develop our deep-rooted habits in handling money by the age of 7!

Let’s dig deep, and take a look at how money was handled in your household as a child. Did one parent make the money and the other stay at home? Did both parents work and have separate accounts? Was money a taboo topic that was never discussed, or was your family open about their financial situation?

These key areas will greatly influence how you view money. In my own experience, my dad made the money while my mom stayed home with the children.

Now that I am the full-time working parent and my husband stays at home, having this conversation has helped address the difficulty I had initially with accepting our new roles as parents, and the expectations we each had for one another in earning, spending, and saving money.

2. How did your parents talk about money with one another?

I get it, another deep-dive into our past, but this is critical to discuss with your partner, so you can both understand one another’s expectations on how you will handle money in your own household.

Was money a topic that was a point of contention between your parents? Or was this something they honestly worked together with in reaching their financial goals?

Were your parents on the same page and agreed at every major financial decision? Did they calmly discuss their concerns about money, or were there frequent shouting matches on the family budget or spending rituals?

As children, more is “caught than taught,” meaning, how we watched our parents handle money and solve these issues together is how we have learned how to handle these issues as well.

Talk with your significant other about how your parents handled money, and how you want to solve money issues before you actually encounter these difficult discussions later in your relationship.

3. How did your parents talk about money with you?

This goes back to not only how open and honest your family was with you about their own financial situation, but it also goes in to how you were actively taught to handle money.

As we noted earlier, we develop our money habits by the age of 7, and everything we do from there either goes with or against what we have learned.

Did your parents teach you how to create a budget? Did you learn how to save, or how much to save? Did they ever hold conversations with you about debt, saving for an emergency, credit cards, student loans, how to file a tax return, retirement, or any other topic involving money?

If you had parents who took the time to actively talk about money with you and teach you some of these life skills, that is great! Think about what you learned from them, and discuss how you want to either continue applying what you learned, or what you want to do differently.

If your parents did not have these conversations with you, that does not mean you had terrible parents, or that they didn’t care–most people don’t know how to handle money, or aren’t able to have these conversations with their children for one reason or another. This is totally fine too, simply think about what you have learned, and compile a list of things you would like to learn in the future about money and talk about these things with your significant other.

4. Are you a natural saver or spender?

Now that we’ve moved past our childhood and our currently-established understanding of money, let’s talk about how #4 will shock you!

Did you know that people are hardwired to naturally be either a saver or a spender? It’s true! And this is something that not only influences how you handle money for yourself, but this could be the #1 cause of fights between you and your significant other.

While it is neither good nor bad to be either a spender or a saver, identifying which money-handling habit you are more prone to can help you identify where your money is likely to go. While some of this can be linked to how you were raised to view money, your personality can drive how you handle your money as well.

And…since opposites attract, it is so common to find the person who has the opposite money-handling habit.

For my husband and I, we both trade off being a natural spender or saver, depending on the situation. I was raised to view money as something to be saved and invested for the future. However, I was also raised to understand that money is something that is meant to be shared and given to those in need. When it comes to big purchases, I’m the first to hit the brakes and stop to have the conversation with my husband before we purchase something, because I like to consider myself a “savvy spender” and see if I can find a coupon, discount, or better deal for something instead of spending full price. When it comes to making donations for charity or a church organization, I’m all in and don’t hesitate to spend.

My husband on the other hand, is a natural saver. He would rather live without and see the money be saved for something else in the future. Before making big purchases, he likes to wait and think about it for days and sometimes even weeks before making the decision to purchase, because he knows that every dollar spent is a dollar that is not being saved.

So take the time and identify if you are a natural saver or spender. Then in the future, you will be able to have the conversation with your partner to see how you both plan to deconflict your spending or saving habits in the future.

5. What is your general view of money?

This is a biggie. Period. Do you view money to be the root of many other problems in your life, or merely a symptom of a deeper, emotional or mental issue? Excessive spending, shopping, and even excessive saving may be an indicator of a much deeper-rooted issue in life aside from the actual money itself.

Were you raised to view money as a scarcity that must be saved for some sort of future disaster? Do you view money as something to be spread and shared often?

What do you consider to be a “big purchase”? Is is $100, $500, $1,000 or more? What is the limit of how much money you will spend before consulting your partner?

Make a contract with your significant other as to the cap of what you can spend individually, and what you should consult with your partner. For example, will you run every single purchase by one another before making it? Or will you put a limit and decide that purchases over $250 will not be made, unless both parties agree.

Then there’s always religious considerations to discuss as well. Do you both tithe regularly to the church? Will you both tithe 10% of your income if you are a Christian or Jewish for example, or the required 2.5% zakat if you are Muslim? If you don’t have a religion at all, do you contribute to various charities or organizations? How much do you intend to contribute as a couple and/or individually?

These are just a few examples of questions you should ask one another and be sure you come to an agreement to avoid potential arguments on these topics later.

6. What financial milestones do you hope to achieve in your lifetime?

The final question is the most important of all. We all should have milestones or goals we intend to achieve as individuals. However, once you are married, you should work together to create goals and milestones for your new life together as well.

What are your goals? Do you want to be debt-free by a certain time? Would you like one person to be a stay-at-home parent when the time comes to have children, or do you both want to work?

Would you like to save for a down payment on a house? How much money would you like saved for an emergency fund?

Do you plan on taking vacations? Where would you like to travel? How frequently would you like to go on vacation or travel and how much are you willing to spend?

While this may seem like forever away, do you have goals for retirement? How early would you like to retire? How much money would you feel comfortable having in your “nest egg” before retirement?

Do you want to have children? How many children would you like? (Trust me, this definitely influences your finances). Do you want to pay for your children’s college?

Bottom Line:

These are questions that require a lot of self-introspection and analysis, but they really can work to help save you and your partner the stress of arguing over these money topics in the future. Ultimately, the goal of your marriage should be to work with one another in making and achieving your financial milestones as a couple. It’s never too late to have this conversation. You can do this!