Ask almost any military couple what day their anniversary is–you will probably get more than one answer. The fact of the matter is that most military members get married before they…get married.

What is the reason for this? Well, there are a multitude of reasons as to why people choose to get married by the Justice of the Peace before performing a large wedding ceremony or reception.

When we said “I Do”

My husband and I chose to get married in our church with just our parents and grandparents present one year before we said “I do” in front of the masses at a large, formal ceremony.

There were many factors involved in our decision, but what ultimately drove our decision to marry on paper before putting on a big ceremony was the fact that we had already been dating for many years, were engaged for a few months, had completed pre-marital counseling, and were absolutely committed to marrying one another. This was a personal choice that worked out for both of us in starting out as newlyweds, but it is not always the best option for every couple.

Is it the Best Choice for You?

If you and your significant other have been considering going to the chapel before putting on a big wedding, take some time to see if this is the best option.

Whether you are mil-to-mil and considering a paper wedding to be stationed together, or are marrying in to the Air Force family and simply looking to save money before putting on the whole dog-and-pony-show of a wedding, you need to be sure that getting legally married is in the best interest of you and your potential spouse.

Consider These Factors:

Consider asking your significant other (and yourself) these questions before making the decision to go to the courthouse:

1. Are we considering getting married on paper because of the benefits?

If the answer is “yes,” this is not necessarily a bad thing. If you and your S.O. have already been in a committed relationship with one another for an extended period of time, and already have plans of getting married, this may reveal that getting married on paper sooner may provide both of you with the military benefits that come with having a dependent.

~However~ if you both have recently met each other and are only getting married to move out of the dorms, get a higher BAH, or hop on the Tricare benefits, then this is not the best option for both of you. I don’t care if you’re going to treat this as being roommates with military benefits–it goes against our core value of integrity first, and just makes a messy situation.

Feelings will be developed, and they tend to be one-sided; someone will get their heart broken, and ending a marriage takes a lot of time and effort…something that is not worth it for a relationship that never really existed in the first place.

2. Are we considering getting married on paper in order to get stationed together?

The answer to this question is similar to the first, based on what it reveals. Again, if you and your S.O. have had marriage in your plan for a long time, getting stationed together can be a good reason to get married at the courthouse.

Mil-to-mil marriages can be so tricky, and it can take months, even years, to get stationed together. This may be a good option to help kick-start the process of getting stationed together.

~However~ if you just met this person and only have two weeks to decide whether or not you should get married so you can be stationed together and figure out if this relationship will work…that’s a big “no!” to getting married. If your relationship cannot last the distance, it won’t last through the Air Force, trust me.

Long work hours, shift work, TDY’s and deployments will all put a strain on your relationship. It’s okay to wait and allow the relationship to grow. If it works long distance for a while, then it may be a good idea to revisit the marriage question.

3. Am I considering a quick marriage so I can move out of my parents’ house?

If the answer is “yes,” you should not get married.

4. Do we already live together and/or have a child together.

If the answer is “yes,” you are already operating as if you are married–therefore, there won’t be a great transitional change in getting married. Just go for it!s

5. Have we discussed getting married for a length of time, and have already made plans to get married in the near future?

Now we are moving in to the deeper questions. If you and your S.O. have taken time to discuss marriage and are already engaged, or have announced to your families that you will be getting married, then a paper wedding may be a good choice if you are delaying a large wedding for various reasons.

Sometimes having a big wedding in the near future is simply not possible. With military life, training, tech school, deployments, and distance are all factors that may prevent you and your future spouse from being able to plan a large wedding with all the bells and whistles.

If you both know and have truly made the decision together that you are getting married, a paper wedding may take away some of the stress of having to plan a big wedding right now. By already being married, it relieves the pressure of planning the perfect wedding and having to set a date immediately.

6. Have we taken steps to discuss our expectations of marriage and how we will handle our relationship moving forward?

Bonus points if you and your S.O. have already gone through pre-marital counseling or religious counseling to prepare you for marriage.

If you both have already made the plans to get married, but there are factors that are preventing you from planning a big ceremony, sometimes going to the Justice of the Peace, or having a small ceremony at your church can help you both move forward in your relationship, without the stress of having to plan a big wedding for everyone in your families to attend.

If a small ceremony is the best option for you, it is always possible to have a large reception after the ceremony, or throw a big party at your anniversary if you would like all of your family and friends to celebrate with you.

Bottom Line

Ultimately, the decision to get married before throwing a big wedding is a choice that is truly up to you and your significant other. However, I do encourage you both to take it slow and avoid making a decision that places short-term gain over a life-long commitment.

Marriage is not a joke. It is truly something that should be carefully considered, as it is a decision that you will carry for the rest of your life.